Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
one might say we're banned from that church
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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