Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
