I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
