I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Randomize
