So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
