She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
