I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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