I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
