I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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