i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
