You're a womanizer and a bitch.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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