I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
