At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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