the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
