So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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