I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
