Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
