i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
