Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize