OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
