Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
