I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
