My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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