girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
