My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Small penises have feelings too.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
