i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
