Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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