i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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