Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
