I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
