What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
