You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
