Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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