i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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