Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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