More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my shit smells like andre
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
