New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So many bounce houses so little time
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
