I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
