WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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