Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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