probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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