i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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