Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
