Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
