eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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