How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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