I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
