The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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