enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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