she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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