So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
